beautiful day

Feeling great today...except for this heartburn that won't seem to go away. It's been very relaxing and I've actually accomplished a few things. I've done some writing today, 1500 words, and I hope to get that much more done before the day is over. Last night Elyn said I needed to get 5000 words done...LOL. Wouldn't it be a hoot if I did? I would be jumping for joy.

It's back to work tomorrow. Wish I could afford to just work 4 days a week. Maybe when my book gets published I can cut back on my "day job" so I can write more. That would be a dream come true.

Had a great evening last night. Elyn, Elisabeth and Andrea came over and visited for a while. I just love them to pieces. I wish Loretta could have come. She missed out on some great margaritas. We sat and talked for a bit and then watched Jeff Dunham. He's hilarious.

Elyn has been keeping her animals at my house for a bit until she finds a new place to live. Last night she found out one of the cages had cracked and the cats had escaped. I believe there were 5 of them in that cage. She couldn't find any of them. I felt so bad for her. I hope they turn up. She'll be coming back this evening I believe to look for them again.

Well, I better finish this and go eat dinner. I am having chicken and rice this evening...yumm. I made extra so I'll have some to take to work with me for lunch.

Ciao!

Motivationless

Well, all the plans I had for today have pretty much been thrown out the window...LOL. Right about now I'm thinking a nap looks pretty good. I will refuse to submit to the pull of that thought!

I haven't really gotten anything accomplished today...yet. I still have a smidge of hope that something will change and I'll at least get a little writing done. It could happen.

Timothy called me at work yesterday. Yeah, you're not the only one surprised...LOL. It would seem that he didn't "un-friend" me after all.....he closed his account for a bit. It is now back on and I can spy on him all I wish...LOL. I am such a voyeur. Maybe I should have been in the spy business...LOL.

Anyway, I had a great time talking to him after I got over the shock. It's nice to be on talking terms with him.

Elyn, Elisabeth (and possibly Andrea) will be coming over this evening. I was hoping they would be able to stay a bit (I have a bucket of strawberry margaritas in the freezer) but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. They have a trailer they are going to look at up in Skiatook. I hope it turns out to be a good deal for them. It would be nice for them to be close. No matter where they end up though...I hope they find something soon. I know they are worried about it. I hope they find the perfect place for them.

Well, I guess I better go check on my laundry and try and get the dishes done. I need to at least accomplish something...anything....today. I haven't even taken a shower yet...and I was going to do that hours ago.

Ciao!

Blah...again

:::WARNING::: The blog you are about to read is probably going to be a somewhat depressing, unintereseting accounting of what's been going on in my life lately and the effect it is having on me.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Timothy un-friended me on facebook. I can't really say that it surprises me....but I was surprised....LOL. We had our talk the other day...and I guess we are pretty much going our own ways. It would appear that we aren't even going to be friends anymore, I guess. Yeah...just cut those strings and use me as a knife holder. If you twist it good, it'll stay better. Oh well...life goes on...right?

I think I needed this to happen. I think I was still trying to hold on to the past. It makes it hard to move on to the future. I know this....I really do. It's just harder to see up close.

Well, enough for now. I'm having a hard time concentrating while "the love guru" is playing on the TV in the living room...LOL. I love that movie. Night.

Ciao!

Blah

Yeah, I know, I haven't posted anything in a while. I actually did try to post something a couple of days ago, but was having computer problems and couldn't get to this site. It was probably for the best. It wouldn't have been a very cheerful post...LOL. Not that today's will be any more uplifting.

I'm off today. Slept in. Still haven't done anything worthwhile. Kids come back today, so if I'm going to accomplish anything, I better get started soon. And let me tell you, I really need to get something accomplished. This house is a mess. I'm afraid to even walk into the kitchen. But walk, I shall. It has to be cleaned. Maybe I should make a trip to the fitness center and get my metabolism going. That might help. It couldn't hurt. Oh, wait...maybe it could...LOL. I still remember the last visit I took to the fitness center. Took me almost a week to recouperate. I just may take that chance though. I really need to do something to make me feel better.

I need to get out of the house anyway. I didn't even go outside yesterday. I went to lock the door last night and it was still locked...I hadn't even unlocked it. I have a lot of stuff to do outside as well. I should go out and work in my yard pond...I should weed eat...I should clear some brush and cut some wood for the winter.

So many things that need to be done. And here I sit...but not for long. It's a beautiful day out and I think I will motivate myself and head to the fitness club. It's not good for me to sit around the house like this. Yesterday was terrible. I sat around and felt sorry for myself....felt lonely. That's just not me. It did have an instigating incident though...Timothy.

Ok, here's the deal. If you've been reading this...you already know that Timothy and I were together and now we're not. He's been gone since December. Our whole last year together was awful. We both wanted it to end. He found someone online who came and got him and he moved to Illinois. I was surprised at how much it hurt when he left. Who knew? I got over it though and one of the friends I had online professed interest in me and our conversations took on a whole new dimension. My interest turned to him. Back to Timothy...his new move didn't work out. He wanted to come back...but there wasn't really a way to do that. He wanted to start over with us. I, who by now was very interested in Rob (old friend), decided to send Timothy an email, venting all my frustrations I had with our relationship. That was the end of that. Time goes by. Things aren't looking so hot with Rob anymore. Things have cooled. It's not going to go anywhere. I compare him to Timothy too much. I remember all the wonderful things that brought Timothy and I together in the first place. I miss it. Time goes by. My step-father dies after his long battle with Leukemia and I send Timothy an email telling him about it. It opens communication between us again. We start talking...we miss each other. It's nice catching up with what's going on in each other's life. It feels good to have his interest again. But he's there and I'm here and that's not likely to change anytime soon. Then things start to cool off between the two of us. I don't see him online much and I don't get emails. And then the other day I get one. We start talking and we both realize that things between us probably aren't going to go back to what they were. He's building a life there, making new friends...I have my life here, doing the same. It hurt to think that I may never have what I had with Timothy ever again. Still hurts. But life goes on...right? Who knows what the future will bring? At least for a short time I had something special...before it all went wrong. I have the memory. Besides, I'm not exactly old. 42 is not old. I still have a lot of life left in me. Maybe I'll get lucky and find something even better.

Anyway, I've kind of been in a funk lately with the realization that Timothy is perfectly happy living his life without me...LOL...ow. My poor ego. Like I don't have enough self-esteem issues already...LOL. I'm sure I'll be fine though. The sting has already subsided and the ache will go away eventually. Life goes on....but not unless I get my ass out of this chair...LOL.

Gotta go before I bore you with more fascinating details of my pathetic life.

Oh, on a brighter note....I've been writing like crazy. I've beaten my last record of 1300 words in a day. Yesterday I wrote 1600! I'm HOT! yeah, I know...not exactly spectacular.....especially since I seem to only do that on my days off...but it's progress. 4 months ago I was having a hard time just opening my file and doing anything with it. Weeks would go by without one word written. Just think what I might be like in another 4 months time....WOOT!

Ok...I'm really going now. Time is slipping by.

Ciao!

beautiful day

Another beautiful day. I love it when I have days off like this. Yesterday was beautiful as well. We had thunderstorms move through and for a while I went outside and enjoyed the cool wind blowing on my skin, the scent of rain in the air and the feel of excitement that a storm seems to impart to me.

I got to experience another storm later when I went to bed. It was wonderful laying there in my comfy king size, pillow top bed with my feather pillow and soft, fuzzy blanket, listening to the thunder and the rain with my eyes closed but still experiencing the flashes of lightning through my closed eyelids. I hard a hard time getting to sleep, I was loving the moment, a big smile on my face. Ah, simple pleasures.

Yesterday was just a good day all around. I got 1264 words written on my story and I did some work around the house. I also started my period, but hey, nothing's perfect...LOL.

Today seems to have the potential to be a good day as well. Hey, it's not a work day so it's off to a good start...LOL. I haven't done anything except make coffee and turn on the radio...but I feel the urge to get moving. I just thought I'd write in here before I head off to do other things. I plan to clean out my car today and work on my kitchen some more. It was in some sorry shape. I need to finish cleaning it and then finish painting it. Maybe I'll get really energetic and paint the utility room as well. Hey, it could happen.

I'm starting to think that maybe my mindset I have about writing is spilling over into the rest of my life. I sure hope so.

What is my mindset on writing, you ask? Well, I believe that every word I write is one word closer to my goal. Even if they are wrong words...I've gotten them out of the way. Even if they are mistakes...thats one idea less I have to filter through. Even if I just sit and stare at my notebook or computer screen, just thinking...that's one thought closer. It works for me. I've gone from someone who had a hard time just thinking about my story to someone who takes a notebook with her everywhere and writes down ideas. My lunch break, my 15 min. break, waiting for the kids at the YMCA, anywhere I have a few minutes to spare, I have my notebook with me.

Yesterday I noticed I had that mentality about doing things around the house. When I was outside enjoying the storm I did a little cleaning on the porch, throwing things down "the hole". It's by no means clean, but it looks a little better. The same thing in the kitchen. I did a few dishes here....a few there. By the time I went to bed, it looked better and now it's not so overwhelming a task that I face at the beginning of this day. I sure hope I can keep that mentality. I need it. It gives me motivation to do things and I love accomplishing things around my house...or in my life. I feel like I've gone back in time a few years to when I was always motivated to do something or go somewhere. I love it.

Ok, enough talking....time to start doing...LOL. We'll see how it goes.

Ciao!

Bored - again

Here I am, home alone, sitting at the computer, and I'm bored. I have already checked out my email, facebook and I've even looked up some info for someone at work.

Now what?

I do have my story file open and the title bar for it is glaring at me from the bottom of my screen. I know I should open it and do some writing, but I seem to be overcome with apathy. It's been happening to me a lot lately. I finally get free time, alone time, quiet time...and the dreaded apathy culprit takes over and I get nothing accomplished. I need to hunt that critter down and kill it.

One more day of work. Then I shall have two blessed days away from that hell hole. Ok, so it's not all THAT bad, but days off are a wonderful thing.

Kids have started back to school. Joseph doesn't say much, but Jared is very vocal about how much it SUCKS! I told him to get used to it, he's got a long way to go. It doesn't get any better once it's over either...LOL. I know, I'm a ray of sunshine...LOL.

I took a nap this evening so I'm not sure how easy it's going to be to get to sleep tonight. I hate when I do that. It's a vicious cycle. I don't get enough sleep then I come home and take a nap which makes it harder to get to sleep that night and get decent rest which in turn makes me tired the next day and want to take a nap again! At least tomorrow I won't have to worry about getting to bed early if I decide to take a nap. I'm off Monday. I sure hope that apathy affliction hits the road by then. I've got tons of stuff to do.

Well, time to go. I may go see if I can persuade the sandman to assist me in my nightly slumber.

Ciao!

What a weekend

Had the writers meeting this weekend. We are getting more people all the time. I love it.

I think we may be losing some people as well too though. I think the critiques that are being given are causing some hard feelings. I wish it weren't so, but then it's kind of the nature of the beast. I have wondered before why there seem to be so many members of the group listed on the website...but so few that show up for meetings. I am now beginning to think that maybe they got their feelings hurt as well and no longer wish to subject themselves to that. Who knows?

I know when I got my work critiqued, it stung a little at first. I didn't expect everyone to like it though. And to tell the truth, most of the people that had hurtful comments for me, really didn't matter to me. I am not writing to please them. I write to please myself and to feel a sense of accomplishment. I realize that my first draft is going to have flaws. When I get done, I'll go back and do a rewrite. That's how it's done. It's a work in progress. There is no way I'm letting anything anyone tells me keep me from completing this book.

Ok, enough about that.

I got to visit with my cousin Bob today. I hadn't seen him in forever. We had a really good chat. It must have been...because we sat there for 4 hours...LOL. I had no idea we'd been there that long. I can't wait to do it again. I'll have to get my house clean one of these days so he can come visit when the boys are here.

Today is Timothy's birthday. I don't know if I'll see him online this evening or not, but I sent him an email wishing him Happy Birthday. I didn't forget him...LOL.

I've had a terrible time with allergies this weekend. I don't know what's wrong. Maybe it's a cold. I don't know. It's not as bad today as it was yesterday. I went and worked out on Tuesday and it wouldn't surprise me if I picked up someone else's germs from the machine. The more I think about it...the more I think that might be what's happened. Oh well, I'll survive. I come from hardy stock...LOL.

Well, I guess I better go check on the laundry and try to get something done around here. I'd like to write a little more. I finally finished chapter 6! On to chapter 7! Over 17,000 words now and I still haven't gotten to any of the other children in the story. Jared hasn't even got his powers yet. It's cool though. It's going to be a big book. I like big books and I cannot lie....you other brothers can't deny.....LOL....Ok....I'll stop now. I'm all excited though. I'm working on the ending right now. One of the things talked about in the last meeting was how to finish what you start. One of the things was to write the ending first. That way you just fill in the middle and there you go. I knew what sort of an ending I was going to have...but I decided to do the outline of it. It's been going pretty well. I have a lot more to go on it though. I'll be interested to see how it all works out.

Ciao!

Tired

I'm beat. It's been a rough week. I worked out on Tuesday and I'm still paying for it. I'm not going to let it deter me though. As soon as I'm able, I'm going to go work out again. I need it. Hopefully, I'll get there Sunday, after I visit with Bobby. I'm excited about that. I haven't seen him in probably 6 or 7 years...and that was only one visit. To tell the truth, I have never really been that close to him, but maybe that'll change. I don't have many relatives on my Mom's side of the Family. Mom's siblings only had one child each. I don't want to lose contact.

Well, I forgot to pick up Jared from Mom's today. I know, how do you forget your child? I'm getting old, I guess. Anyway, I'm going to have to go back out and get him. Maybe I'll stop and get a candy bar on the way home...LOL. I want some chocolate.

I'm really going to try and do some writing this evening. Not sure if it will happen or not though. I really am tired. I slept like crap last night. I'm going to have to get up extra early tomorrow too...since I have the writing group meeting. I'm excited. I love that group.

Well, I better go get Jared. He'll be wondering where I am. It sure was nice to have some peace and quiet for a while though...LOL.

Ciao!

Bored

Here I am, sitting at the computer at 12:30 at night (morning?). I just finished watching Eagle Eye. It was a pretty good movie. Shia is pretty HOT. I love how it ended. Of course, they do that sort of stuff because they know that's what women want to see...happy endings. Actually, I guess even guys like to see that...LOL. I mean, after all, if you're going to pay to watch a movie, you don't want it to be like real life...LOL.

I'm off tomorrow. I'm so ready for it. I just get the one day though and then it's 5 more till I get off again. I'll be off Sunday and Monday. Woo Hoo! Two days off in a row. I love it. I haven't really done anything this evening. I took a nap...LOL. Does that count? I was tired though. This weekend wiped me out. I'm hoping that I'll feel more like doing something tomorrow. On the plus side, I've felt like writing! In the last few days I've come up with several ideas for my story, most of it about the ending. I've decided to write a more in depth outline as well. I've got 3 pages of it written so far (and it still hasn't got to the part where Jared goes to get the other kids). I'm so excited about it. I should actually be writing more right now...but I haven't written in here for a while....so here I am. Thought you might like an update. Not that there's really anything worthy of a news flash happening in my life. I guess that can be a good thing though. News flashes aren't always good.

I've been thinking a lot lately about finding a special someone for my life. Not that I'm looking. I didn't mean to imply that. I've just been wondering lately if I will ever find someone again. I've been talking to Timothy lately and sometimes I would really like to get back together with him. I don't know if that will ever happen or even if it's a good thing, but I miss the companionship I had with him at one time. I miss the sex too. Boy, do I miss the sex. I miss the kissing, licking, sucking. I miss his hands all over my body. I miss the feel of his hairy chest on my breasts. I miss what it feels like to be FUCKED! (sorry to those who find that offensive)

I wonder if I'll ever have that again.

Timothy says he loves me. He says he'd like to be with me again, live with me again. I'm not sure I could jump right into that again. I would like it if he moved back to OK, but I'm not sure about the living together thing. I can't go back to how it was. He doesn't think he could afford to live here on his own. We both have conditions. I don't know what will happen. I have one big condition that I'm not sure Timothy will ever meet. I need him to get a license and a car. Ok, so that's really two conditions...LOL. It was one of the main reasons things went bad between us though. He didn't drive. I had to take him everywhere. I even had to get up early on my days off and take him to work and then go get him. After 4 years of that you build up a little resentment. It wears you out too. With 2 kids as well, it felt like I was always planning my life around everyone else's needs. Call me selfish, I'll agree, but I like having time for me, to do what I want to do, even if it's nothing.

So, I don't know what the answer is. That statement pretty much covers a lot of area with me...LOL. I don't know a lot of things. It's ok too. I don't have to know it all. What's the fun in that? I like surprises. Life is full of them too. Not all of them good ones...but I'll take the bad with the good. What choice do I have? I won't let the bad ones ruin my pleasure for the good ones.

Well, I think I've bared my soul and touted my philosophies enough for one night (morning?). It is now 1 am and I think I'm about ready to throw in the towel. My bed is calling to me. It loves me. I love it too and tell it so all the time. I wouldn't want it to feel unappreciated.

Ok, maybe I'll have more to write about tomorrow. Who knows what it will bring? I'm off, so chances are it's going to be pretty mundane, but one never knows. Since I plan on doing housework and yardwork, I'm kinda hoping for mundane. The only surprises I can think of happening tomorrow aren't good ones.

Ciao!