beautiful day

Feeling great today...except for this heartburn that won't seem to go away. It's been very relaxing and I've actually accomplished a few things. I've done some writing today, 1500 words, and I hope to get that much more done before the day is over. Last night Elyn said I needed to get 5000 words done...LOL. Wouldn't it be a hoot if I did? I would be jumping for joy.

It's back to work tomorrow. Wish I could afford to just work 4 days a week. Maybe when my book gets published I can cut back on my "day job" so I can write more. That would be a dream come true.

Had a great evening last night. Elyn, Elisabeth and Andrea came over and visited for a while. I just love them to pieces. I wish Loretta could have come. She missed out on some great margaritas. We sat and talked for a bit and then watched Jeff Dunham. He's hilarious.

Elyn has been keeping her animals at my house for a bit until she finds a new place to live. Last night she found out one of the cages had cracked and the cats had escaped. I believe there were 5 of them in that cage. She couldn't find any of them. I felt so bad for her. I hope they turn up. She'll be coming back this evening I believe to look for them again.

Well, I better finish this and go eat dinner. I am having chicken and rice this evening...yumm. I made extra so I'll have some to take to work with me for lunch.

Ciao!

Motivationless

Well, all the plans I had for today have pretty much been thrown out the window...LOL. Right about now I'm thinking a nap looks pretty good. I will refuse to submit to the pull of that thought!

I haven't really gotten anything accomplished today...yet. I still have a smidge of hope that something will change and I'll at least get a little writing done. It could happen.

Timothy called me at work yesterday. Yeah, you're not the only one surprised...LOL. It would seem that he didn't "un-friend" me after all.....he closed his account for a bit. It is now back on and I can spy on him all I wish...LOL. I am such a voyeur. Maybe I should have been in the spy business...LOL.

Anyway, I had a great time talking to him after I got over the shock. It's nice to be on talking terms with him.

Elyn, Elisabeth (and possibly Andrea) will be coming over this evening. I was hoping they would be able to stay a bit (I have a bucket of strawberry margaritas in the freezer) but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. They have a trailer they are going to look at up in Skiatook. I hope it turns out to be a good deal for them. It would be nice for them to be close. No matter where they end up though...I hope they find something soon. I know they are worried about it. I hope they find the perfect place for them.

Well, I guess I better go check on my laundry and try and get the dishes done. I need to at least accomplish something...anything....today. I haven't even taken a shower yet...and I was going to do that hours ago.

Ciao!

Blah...again

:::WARNING::: The blog you are about to read is probably going to be a somewhat depressing, unintereseting accounting of what's been going on in my life lately and the effect it is having on me.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Timothy un-friended me on facebook. I can't really say that it surprises me....but I was surprised....LOL. We had our talk the other day...and I guess we are pretty much going our own ways. It would appear that we aren't even going to be friends anymore, I guess. Yeah...just cut those strings and use me as a knife holder. If you twist it good, it'll stay better. Oh well...life goes on...right?

I think I needed this to happen. I think I was still trying to hold on to the past. It makes it hard to move on to the future. I know this....I really do. It's just harder to see up close.

Well, enough for now. I'm having a hard time concentrating while "the love guru" is playing on the TV in the living room...LOL. I love that movie. Night.

Ciao!

Blah

Yeah, I know, I haven't posted anything in a while. I actually did try to post something a couple of days ago, but was having computer problems and couldn't get to this site. It was probably for the best. It wouldn't have been a very cheerful post...LOL. Not that today's will be any more uplifting.

I'm off today. Slept in. Still haven't done anything worthwhile. Kids come back today, so if I'm going to accomplish anything, I better get started soon. And let me tell you, I really need to get something accomplished. This house is a mess. I'm afraid to even walk into the kitchen. But walk, I shall. It has to be cleaned. Maybe I should make a trip to the fitness center and get my metabolism going. That might help. It couldn't hurt. Oh, wait...maybe it could...LOL. I still remember the last visit I took to the fitness center. Took me almost a week to recouperate. I just may take that chance though. I really need to do something to make me feel better.

I need to get out of the house anyway. I didn't even go outside yesterday. I went to lock the door last night and it was still locked...I hadn't even unlocked it. I have a lot of stuff to do outside as well. I should go out and work in my yard pond...I should weed eat...I should clear some brush and cut some wood for the winter.

So many things that need to be done. And here I sit...but not for long. It's a beautiful day out and I think I will motivate myself and head to the fitness club. It's not good for me to sit around the house like this. Yesterday was terrible. I sat around and felt sorry for myself....felt lonely. That's just not me. It did have an instigating incident though...Timothy.

Ok, here's the deal. If you've been reading this...you already know that Timothy and I were together and now we're not. He's been gone since December. Our whole last year together was awful. We both wanted it to end. He found someone online who came and got him and he moved to Illinois. I was surprised at how much it hurt when he left. Who knew? I got over it though and one of the friends I had online professed interest in me and our conversations took on a whole new dimension. My interest turned to him. Back to Timothy...his new move didn't work out. He wanted to come back...but there wasn't really a way to do that. He wanted to start over with us. I, who by now was very interested in Rob (old friend), decided to send Timothy an email, venting all my frustrations I had with our relationship. That was the end of that. Time goes by. Things aren't looking so hot with Rob anymore. Things have cooled. It's not going to go anywhere. I compare him to Timothy too much. I remember all the wonderful things that brought Timothy and I together in the first place. I miss it. Time goes by. My step-father dies after his long battle with Leukemia and I send Timothy an email telling him about it. It opens communication between us again. We start talking...we miss each other. It's nice catching up with what's going on in each other's life. It feels good to have his interest again. But he's there and I'm here and that's not likely to change anytime soon. Then things start to cool off between the two of us. I don't see him online much and I don't get emails. And then the other day I get one. We start talking and we both realize that things between us probably aren't going to go back to what they were. He's building a life there, making new friends...I have my life here, doing the same. It hurt to think that I may never have what I had with Timothy ever again. Still hurts. But life goes on...right? Who knows what the future will bring? At least for a short time I had something special...before it all went wrong. I have the memory. Besides, I'm not exactly old. 42 is not old. I still have a lot of life left in me. Maybe I'll get lucky and find something even better.

Anyway, I've kind of been in a funk lately with the realization that Timothy is perfectly happy living his life without me...LOL...ow. My poor ego. Like I don't have enough self-esteem issues already...LOL. I'm sure I'll be fine though. The sting has already subsided and the ache will go away eventually. Life goes on....but not unless I get my ass out of this chair...LOL.

Gotta go before I bore you with more fascinating details of my pathetic life.

Oh, on a brighter note....I've been writing like crazy. I've beaten my last record of 1300 words in a day. Yesterday I wrote 1600! I'm HOT! yeah, I know...not exactly spectacular.....especially since I seem to only do that on my days off...but it's progress. 4 months ago I was having a hard time just opening my file and doing anything with it. Weeks would go by without one word written. Just think what I might be like in another 4 months time....WOOT!

Ok...I'm really going now. Time is slipping by.

Ciao!

beautiful day

Another beautiful day. I love it when I have days off like this. Yesterday was beautiful as well. We had thunderstorms move through and for a while I went outside and enjoyed the cool wind blowing on my skin, the scent of rain in the air and the feel of excitement that a storm seems to impart to me.

I got to experience another storm later when I went to bed. It was wonderful laying there in my comfy king size, pillow top bed with my feather pillow and soft, fuzzy blanket, listening to the thunder and the rain with my eyes closed but still experiencing the flashes of lightning through my closed eyelids. I hard a hard time getting to sleep, I was loving the moment, a big smile on my face. Ah, simple pleasures.

Yesterday was just a good day all around. I got 1264 words written on my story and I did some work around the house. I also started my period, but hey, nothing's perfect...LOL.

Today seems to have the potential to be a good day as well. Hey, it's not a work day so it's off to a good start...LOL. I haven't done anything except make coffee and turn on the radio...but I feel the urge to get moving. I just thought I'd write in here before I head off to do other things. I plan to clean out my car today and work on my kitchen some more. It was in some sorry shape. I need to finish cleaning it and then finish painting it. Maybe I'll get really energetic and paint the utility room as well. Hey, it could happen.

I'm starting to think that maybe my mindset I have about writing is spilling over into the rest of my life. I sure hope so.

What is my mindset on writing, you ask? Well, I believe that every word I write is one word closer to my goal. Even if they are wrong words...I've gotten them out of the way. Even if they are mistakes...thats one idea less I have to filter through. Even if I just sit and stare at my notebook or computer screen, just thinking...that's one thought closer. It works for me. I've gone from someone who had a hard time just thinking about my story to someone who takes a notebook with her everywhere and writes down ideas. My lunch break, my 15 min. break, waiting for the kids at the YMCA, anywhere I have a few minutes to spare, I have my notebook with me.

Yesterday I noticed I had that mentality about doing things around the house. When I was outside enjoying the storm I did a little cleaning on the porch, throwing things down "the hole". It's by no means clean, but it looks a little better. The same thing in the kitchen. I did a few dishes here....a few there. By the time I went to bed, it looked better and now it's not so overwhelming a task that I face at the beginning of this day. I sure hope I can keep that mentality. I need it. It gives me motivation to do things and I love accomplishing things around my house...or in my life. I feel like I've gone back in time a few years to when I was always motivated to do something or go somewhere. I love it.

Ok, enough talking....time to start doing...LOL. We'll see how it goes.

Ciao!

Bored - again

Here I am, home alone, sitting at the computer, and I'm bored. I have already checked out my email, facebook and I've even looked up some info for someone at work.

Now what?

I do have my story file open and the title bar for it is glaring at me from the bottom of my screen. I know I should open it and do some writing, but I seem to be overcome with apathy. It's been happening to me a lot lately. I finally get free time, alone time, quiet time...and the dreaded apathy culprit takes over and I get nothing accomplished. I need to hunt that critter down and kill it.

One more day of work. Then I shall have two blessed days away from that hell hole. Ok, so it's not all THAT bad, but days off are a wonderful thing.

Kids have started back to school. Joseph doesn't say much, but Jared is very vocal about how much it SUCKS! I told him to get used to it, he's got a long way to go. It doesn't get any better once it's over either...LOL. I know, I'm a ray of sunshine...LOL.

I took a nap this evening so I'm not sure how easy it's going to be to get to sleep tonight. I hate when I do that. It's a vicious cycle. I don't get enough sleep then I come home and take a nap which makes it harder to get to sleep that night and get decent rest which in turn makes me tired the next day and want to take a nap again! At least tomorrow I won't have to worry about getting to bed early if I decide to take a nap. I'm off Monday. I sure hope that apathy affliction hits the road by then. I've got tons of stuff to do.

Well, time to go. I may go see if I can persuade the sandman to assist me in my nightly slumber.

Ciao!

What a weekend

Had the writers meeting this weekend. We are getting more people all the time. I love it.

I think we may be losing some people as well too though. I think the critiques that are being given are causing some hard feelings. I wish it weren't so, but then it's kind of the nature of the beast. I have wondered before why there seem to be so many members of the group listed on the website...but so few that show up for meetings. I am now beginning to think that maybe they got their feelings hurt as well and no longer wish to subject themselves to that. Who knows?

I know when I got my work critiqued, it stung a little at first. I didn't expect everyone to like it though. And to tell the truth, most of the people that had hurtful comments for me, really didn't matter to me. I am not writing to please them. I write to please myself and to feel a sense of accomplishment. I realize that my first draft is going to have flaws. When I get done, I'll go back and do a rewrite. That's how it's done. It's a work in progress. There is no way I'm letting anything anyone tells me keep me from completing this book.

Ok, enough about that.

I got to visit with my cousin Bob today. I hadn't seen him in forever. We had a really good chat. It must have been...because we sat there for 4 hours...LOL. I had no idea we'd been there that long. I can't wait to do it again. I'll have to get my house clean one of these days so he can come visit when the boys are here.

Today is Timothy's birthday. I don't know if I'll see him online this evening or not, but I sent him an email wishing him Happy Birthday. I didn't forget him...LOL.

I've had a terrible time with allergies this weekend. I don't know what's wrong. Maybe it's a cold. I don't know. It's not as bad today as it was yesterday. I went and worked out on Tuesday and it wouldn't surprise me if I picked up someone else's germs from the machine. The more I think about it...the more I think that might be what's happened. Oh well, I'll survive. I come from hardy stock...LOL.

Well, I guess I better go check on the laundry and try to get something done around here. I'd like to write a little more. I finally finished chapter 6! On to chapter 7! Over 17,000 words now and I still haven't gotten to any of the other children in the story. Jared hasn't even got his powers yet. It's cool though. It's going to be a big book. I like big books and I cannot lie....you other brothers can't deny.....LOL....Ok....I'll stop now. I'm all excited though. I'm working on the ending right now. One of the things talked about in the last meeting was how to finish what you start. One of the things was to write the ending first. That way you just fill in the middle and there you go. I knew what sort of an ending I was going to have...but I decided to do the outline of it. It's been going pretty well. I have a lot more to go on it though. I'll be interested to see how it all works out.

Ciao!

Tired

I'm beat. It's been a rough week. I worked out on Tuesday and I'm still paying for it. I'm not going to let it deter me though. As soon as I'm able, I'm going to go work out again. I need it. Hopefully, I'll get there Sunday, after I visit with Bobby. I'm excited about that. I haven't seen him in probably 6 or 7 years...and that was only one visit. To tell the truth, I have never really been that close to him, but maybe that'll change. I don't have many relatives on my Mom's side of the Family. Mom's siblings only had one child each. I don't want to lose contact.

Well, I forgot to pick up Jared from Mom's today. I know, how do you forget your child? I'm getting old, I guess. Anyway, I'm going to have to go back out and get him. Maybe I'll stop and get a candy bar on the way home...LOL. I want some chocolate.

I'm really going to try and do some writing this evening. Not sure if it will happen or not though. I really am tired. I slept like crap last night. I'm going to have to get up extra early tomorrow too...since I have the writing group meeting. I'm excited. I love that group.

Well, I better go get Jared. He'll be wondering where I am. It sure was nice to have some peace and quiet for a while though...LOL.

Ciao!

Bored

Here I am, sitting at the computer at 12:30 at night (morning?). I just finished watching Eagle Eye. It was a pretty good movie. Shia is pretty HOT. I love how it ended. Of course, they do that sort of stuff because they know that's what women want to see...happy endings. Actually, I guess even guys like to see that...LOL. I mean, after all, if you're going to pay to watch a movie, you don't want it to be like real life...LOL.

I'm off tomorrow. I'm so ready for it. I just get the one day though and then it's 5 more till I get off again. I'll be off Sunday and Monday. Woo Hoo! Two days off in a row. I love it. I haven't really done anything this evening. I took a nap...LOL. Does that count? I was tired though. This weekend wiped me out. I'm hoping that I'll feel more like doing something tomorrow. On the plus side, I've felt like writing! In the last few days I've come up with several ideas for my story, most of it about the ending. I've decided to write a more in depth outline as well. I've got 3 pages of it written so far (and it still hasn't got to the part where Jared goes to get the other kids). I'm so excited about it. I should actually be writing more right now...but I haven't written in here for a while....so here I am. Thought you might like an update. Not that there's really anything worthy of a news flash happening in my life. I guess that can be a good thing though. News flashes aren't always good.

I've been thinking a lot lately about finding a special someone for my life. Not that I'm looking. I didn't mean to imply that. I've just been wondering lately if I will ever find someone again. I've been talking to Timothy lately and sometimes I would really like to get back together with him. I don't know if that will ever happen or even if it's a good thing, but I miss the companionship I had with him at one time. I miss the sex too. Boy, do I miss the sex. I miss the kissing, licking, sucking. I miss his hands all over my body. I miss the feel of his hairy chest on my breasts. I miss what it feels like to be FUCKED! (sorry to those who find that offensive)

I wonder if I'll ever have that again.

Timothy says he loves me. He says he'd like to be with me again, live with me again. I'm not sure I could jump right into that again. I would like it if he moved back to OK, but I'm not sure about the living together thing. I can't go back to how it was. He doesn't think he could afford to live here on his own. We both have conditions. I don't know what will happen. I have one big condition that I'm not sure Timothy will ever meet. I need him to get a license and a car. Ok, so that's really two conditions...LOL. It was one of the main reasons things went bad between us though. He didn't drive. I had to take him everywhere. I even had to get up early on my days off and take him to work and then go get him. After 4 years of that you build up a little resentment. It wears you out too. With 2 kids as well, it felt like I was always planning my life around everyone else's needs. Call me selfish, I'll agree, but I like having time for me, to do what I want to do, even if it's nothing.

So, I don't know what the answer is. That statement pretty much covers a lot of area with me...LOL. I don't know a lot of things. It's ok too. I don't have to know it all. What's the fun in that? I like surprises. Life is full of them too. Not all of them good ones...but I'll take the bad with the good. What choice do I have? I won't let the bad ones ruin my pleasure for the good ones.

Well, I think I've bared my soul and touted my philosophies enough for one night (morning?). It is now 1 am and I think I'm about ready to throw in the towel. My bed is calling to me. It loves me. I love it too and tell it so all the time. I wouldn't want it to feel unappreciated.

Ok, maybe I'll have more to write about tomorrow. Who knows what it will bring? I'm off, so chances are it's going to be pretty mundane, but one never knows. Since I plan on doing housework and yardwork, I'm kinda hoping for mundane. The only surprises I can think of happening tomorrow aren't good ones.

Ciao!

La Di Da

What a day! I went in to work this morning and guess what greeted me? 11 orders that were due by 9 am. 10 of those were full sheets. No, I didn't get them all done by 9...LOL. It was 9:30. It was ok though...because the (teeth clenched together with a fake smile on my face) nice lady didn't come to pick the 10 full sheets up till 11:30. It would have been nice to know that before I rushed my ass off to get them done ASAP.

Oh well. It's all over. For today.

I have pretty much sat on my ass all evening. I did fix dinner for me and the kids, BBQ sandwiches, which they actually ate and liked! I'm going to try and get the dishes done up before I crash on the bed. The bed is looking pretty good though.

The kids go back to Joe tomorrow. It's a day early, but they are going to a sleep-over at their church. I hope they have a good time. I'm sure it will be better than being here...since I'm turning into a momma monster. Truth is, their constant fighting and bickering is pissing the hell out of me. I hate unloading on them, but there is only so much I can take. At least they're quiet...for now...LOL.

I was totally inspired today. I had an awesome idea for my story and during breaktime, I wrote it down. Then at lunch time, I wrote some more. I think I have two major plot points taken care of. I knew how I wanted the story to end, but didn't know how I was going to get there. Today I've come up with quite a bit of how that's going to happen. I'm so excited. I love it when that happens. I actually feel like I've got a real story on my hands. It's about time..huh?

Another lazy day

Off today.

As usual, I haven't done much. The meat I cooked overnight in the crockpot was pretty good. I think I'll probably put BBQ sauce with some of it and make a sandwich later. I was going to stick it on the grill for a bit but I'm rather lazy, not to mention it looks like it's going to rain. Was goign to have Mom over for dinner, but I haven't much cleaning so maybe I'll wait till tomorrow.

I got an email from Timothy. He wrote me a lovely poem. It almost made me cry. I think about him too much for my own good.

Sitting here listening to the radio. Checked my bank account. Not good but at least I'm not overdrawn. Don't get paid till friday. Sucks.

I'm hungry but I feel so lazy that I don't even want to get up to fix anything. Not to mention, all the dishes are dirty. I know, I'm such a bum. I wasn't always like this. It's happened in the last couple of years. It's really hard to break out of it too. I should start working out again. I have a membership...just haven't used it in a while. Brilliant, huh?

Well, my belly is giving me a hard time so I guess I better get motivated enough to at least go take care of it. Maybe I'll be back later.

Ciao!

lazy evening

Well, my day is almost done. All in all, it wasn't a bad day. Even the woman that bitched about her cake being wrong didn't faze me much. I think it bothered Brad though...LOL. He was the one that took the woman's order....wrong...LOL. To tell the truth, I kinda wanted to kick his ass myself. I was glad he was right there seeing what I had to deal with because of him. Maybe now he'll take a little more care with his cake orders.

Would you care to know what happened? Ok, I'll tell you anyway...LOL. I had a cake order for a cut-out cake in the shape of the number 10. The order said make black, blue, red and white. The only other details were that the woman wanted the inscription written with a star tip that is usually used for orders. I thought it rather strange, so I did the cake and thought I'd wait until they picked it up to verify that's what she actually wanted before writing on it. Well, she came to pick up the cake and hour later than the order said. I had almost finished cleaning up. The first thing that was wrong with it was that there were no balloons on it. Brad didn't write anything about balloons. I got out the colors again and started making icing bags for balloons. I also asked her about the writing. At this point, she started to act like she knew more than I do about decorating. I'm thinking "why am I the one doing this cake then?". You don't know how bad I wanted to tell her to do her own damn cake next time. I was pleasant though and maintained my cool. It's a whole lot easier to do that when it's someone else's mistake and not mine...LOL. When she started talking about how she didn't know how come her cake wasn't done right and how hard was it to make a cake how she wanted it, that's when I told her that there wasn't anything on the order that said anything about the balloons or the other stuff she didn't like about it. She proceeded to tell me that she "told that guy what she wanted specifically" and I cut her off by holding up her order and telling her that none of that was on the order that I had. She didn't say anything else but mumbled a few things and waited until I got done fixing her order. To tell the truth, I really thought she would go up there and complain, but no one came back and said anything.

That was pretty much the highlight of my day. It was rather amusing to see Brad get so flustered. I joked around with him a little about wanting to kick his ass. I told him he had to take out my trash for making that mistake. Truth be told, I would have asked him to take it out for me anyway...LOL.

I haven't really done much of anything this evening. I've been lazy. I know, surprising isn't it? I did get to talk to Deb for quite a while. It was a great conversation. I hadn't talked to her in a while. I'm such a bad friend. I got the country style beef ribs in the crockpot too. I'm going to cook them overnight and then slather them with BBQ sauce and throw them on the grill for a bit tomorrow. I'll invite Mom over for dinner. That will give me the motivation to clean...LOL. Mom can bring Ruby and I'll get to play with her a bit. She's such a sweet dog. I can't wait to babysit her when Mom goes to Branson next month.

And that's about all I did this evening. I had a good conversation online with Ronn. Told him to give Timothy a big sloppy kiss for me...LOL. I'm not thinking that's gonna happen.

Sitting here listening to my System of a Down compilation disk. I love it. They are the most awesome band ever. I wish they would get back together. I love Serj by himself, but I have to say that I like it better when they all work together. I would so do Serj though. I think he's so hot! One of the guys in my writing group, Travis, reminds me of him. He's pretty hot too. He's nice as well. I find him very interesting. He's no Serj though...LOL.

We had a really good writers meeting yesterday. We had two new ladies. One was very outgoing and knowledgeable and the other one was pretty quiet. I feel bad that I didn't get the chance to stay until the meeting was over so I could go over and talk to the quiet one. I hope she comes back. There seem to be a lot of people that join and either never go to a meeing or go to one and then never come back. We really are a fun bunch of people.

I've had an epiphany! I was thinking the other day about how getting my work critiqued might bother me a little but I don't let it get me down or take it personal. I was comparing it a little with my job. I found quite a lot of similarities in them both and I think that some of the things I've learned to deal with in my job are things that help me deal with criticism in writing. Anyhow, I've thought about exploring that a little more and maybe writing something about it. I have no idea how long a piece it's going to be or where it will lead, but I do know I would like to post it on the group site. Maybe someone else would get a little help from it. Who knows?

Well, I think it's time for me to head to bed. I'm beat. I know, I haven't done anything...LOL. I'm still beat though. It's been a rough week. I'm ready for my days off.

Ciao!

Lake day

Movin to the country, gonna eat me a lotta peaches....moving to the country, gonna eat me a lotta peaches....etc...you know how it goes.

Or maybe you don't. Anyway, I already live in the country and although I do like peaches, I grow none. I love the song though. The video is a hoot too.

Don't ask me why I'm writing about this...LOL. It was just in my head and it wanted out.

Getting ready to head to the lake with the boys. I love going to the lake. It's so nice to float around in the water. Jared has his floaties so I won't have to worry about him much this time. It's a good thing. I don't plan on wearing my new glasses into the water...so don't worry this time...LOL. I think I've learned my lesson.

Well, time to go. Jared is about to have a fit waiting on me. I still have to check the bank account.

Ciao!

Argh!

Second day back at work. Tired as hell. I have to get used to getting up early all over again. What am I saying? I wasn't used to it before my vacation...LOL. Does anyone ever really get used to getting up before daylight?

Had a wonderful writers meeting last night. I love everyone there. I get to know new people better all the time. Everyone is so talented. It's wonderful to see the ideas that come from different people. I can't wait till someone gets published. It will be a celebration for us all.

Timothy and I have been talking more. I hesitate to write about him in here, but isn't that the whole point of this? To get used to writing about personal things when you realize someone else might be reading them? I miss him. I can't really tell anyone that though. If I did, I would only be berated for it. I can't help it though. He knows me like no one else. I realize he's not perfect. I'm not either. There were several problems that we had living together. Now that we're not living together, those things kinda fade into the background and it's easy to focus on all the reasons I fell for him in the first place. No, he's not moving back to OK. To tell the truth, I don't know what will end up happening. Maybe we'll end up getting back together again someday. We have some things that we need to work through before that happens though. I have a lot of issues that I need to deal with personally and I'm sure Timothy does as well. It's really nice to be on good terms with him again though. I missed talking to him. I could say anything to him and he wouldn't be shocked or look at me like I was crazy. And let me tell you, I told him some weird shit. If you knew all the freaky stuff that goes on in my brain, some of it which I have done, you'd probably leave me the hell alone...LOL. The good thing is...people can't read minds, and my outward appearance is deceptively mild. The reality is...I miss being able to talk to someone that knows all my shit and doesn't care...loves me despite it all. He was my best friend at one time. I miss that.

Ok, I think that's personal enough for now. I'm feeling all anxious just divulging that. Gotta start somewhere though. Who knows, maybe someday I'll give up all my sexual secrets in here. Don't hold your breath though...LOL. I have intentions of turning that stuff into a novel someday.

I"m totally wiped. Yesterday was ok, but today just took it all out of me. I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning and it didn't get any better throughout the day. I didn't even take a lunch because I thought I'd fall asleep. I feel like falling asleep right now. It's a little early though. Ok, I'm also waiting to see if Timothy comes online. I can't wait forever though. I'm dead on my feet. I definitely need a good nights sleep. Tomorrow I won't get one. I gotta get up early Saturday morning...3:30! I want to be able to go to the writers meeting. I don't want to miss it. I would be totally bummed out if I did.

Ok, enough for now. I'm having a hard time putting coherent thoughts together, much less getting my fingers to type them down.

Ciao for now!

say it isn't so

My last day off! I can't believe my vacation is almost over. There are only a few more grains of sand in the hourglass. The sad part is that today is the best day I've had the whole week. Ok, so the whole period thing screwed it all up. I will take that into consideration the next time I plan a vacation. Trust me on that one.

It's hard to make up for lost time when you only have one day left. I've been giving it a good try though. I've tackled the bathroom and so far I've organized the closet very nicely. I hate telling on myself like this but I found things that got put in there years ago that I'd forgotten about. Next I'm going to tackle the dining room. I have a tall stand with a mirror and small drawer that I need to get out of there. It totally clashes with the decor (in my best prissy voice). I need to do some major organizing too. Then on to the kitchen! I think it's impossible for me to get ALL the dishes done at one time. I'm going to give it another shot this evening though.

And if I get tired of doing all that, I could sure spend some time working in my novel. I wanted to get done with Chapter 6 this week but I'm only halfway done. I know exactly what I want to do with the other half, it's just sitting down to do it. I know, I'm sitting right now...huh? I didn't intend to be sitting here this long though...honest. I don't even have any clothes on. I stripped and threw them in the washer with the sheets and was going to head to the shower, but I got pulled in by the siren song of the computer and it sucked me in. Don't worry, I live in the middle of nowhere, no one is going to see my nakedness.

Actually, I can think of two times my love of being naked has backfired on me. Once, I walked into the living room to get some clothes off the couch (where they got dumped from the dryer). My couch sits directly in front of the big picture window in the living room. Since I live in the middle of nowhere, I leave my curtains wide open almost all the time. Unbeknownst to myself, the UPS guy had driven up and was in the process of walking up the steps to the front porch when I decided to get my clothes. I made Timothy answer the door while I hid in the bathroom. The other time was unfortunately my older son. In all fairness, they were at their daddy's and I was home alone. I was naked and sitting at the computer...again. All of a sudden, the front door opens and Joseph walks in and sees me naked at the computer...LOL. Not a good scenario. I'm sure he thought bad things. I tried to explain that I have a tendency to go clothesless when they aren't here, but that didn't help much. (note to reader: I wasn't having cyber sex, honest)

And here I am sitting around on the computer again, naked. I have the door locked...LOL...just in case.

I guess I better go jump in the shower...and then get some clothes on...LOL. I have lots to do.

Ciao!

nearing the end

One more day.

I don't want to go back to work. I know, I can't sit here on my ass all day and do nothing forever. It sure has been fun though. I can't wait until I get another 40 hours built up so I can take another week to do more nothing.

I really haven't thought about anyone at work this week. I hate to say it...but I haven't missed them. I guess it makes me realize that I don't have any close friends there. Sure, there are lots of people I like, but none that I couldn't do without. Sounds harsh, doesn't it? Hey, I told you I pretty much keep to myself.

I've pretty much wasted today just like I've wasted most of the other days of my vacation. I did take out the trash and go get my tired fixed. Oops, strike that. I got it replaced...because they couldn't fix it. There went another $75 I didn't have. I swear I'm beginning to feel like singing that old Hee Haw song...if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

Hey Universe! What's the deal? What did I do to piss you off?

I've been doing some cooking lately. Usually my cooking consists of heating up fish sticks or opening a can of soup but I made potato pancakes yesterday and salmon patties today. I also made chicken and homemade noodles this evening. I'm going to get the country style ribs out of the freezer tomorrow and cook them on the grill. Mmmm. I love cooking on the grill.

Well, I don't really have any funny anecdotes for you because I've been all alone the last few days and the conversations I have with myself are sadly lacking in comedic value. I could tell you about the fascinating conversations I've had with a few men in the chat rooms, but they weren't really all that fascinating and didn't last much past the point where they ask me my bra size...LOL.

Ok, I've waste enough of my time and yours. I'll save us both and stop now.

Ciao!

Another one bites the dust

Another day of my vacation is over. I had great plans for this day as I'm sure you saw from my earlier post. I did not get done all that I had intended. I'm sure this comes as no surprise to those of you who know me at all...LOL. I did get some dishes done and the kitchen cleaned a little (very little). I also made some Jello shots! I have not tried them yet, but I may kick back a couple before going to bed.

I actually did some writing today! I worked on my assignment for my writing group and my novel. I'm so proud of myself. I hope to finish the writing assignment before Wednesday's meeting. I don't think it will be a problem. It's coming along nicely. If it turns out really good, I may end up sending it in to a magazine. I really would like to do that. I just want to get something published...anything. It would be really cool if it paid too...LOL.

Well, I've about had it for the evening. I'm beat. It's hard doing nothing all day...LOL. I gotta get some good rest because I got a lot of nothing to do tomorrow too. Actually, I have to go get my tire fixed. I can't drive around on my donut forever. I hope it's fixable. I may cry if I have to buy another tire. Surely the Universe wouldn't be that cruel, would it?

I'll let you know.

Ciao!

vacation

Well, it's Sunday. My vacation is going to be over soon. I may have to go back to work Wednesday...depends on the new schedule. I haven't really accomplished anything this week. I don't even feel like I spent very good quality time with my kids. I went down to my brother's and saw his house and the church he started. Then we went to my Dad's and visited a bit before heading home. I don't think Joseph had a very good time. He took his game system but forgot the cords to hook it up. Jared had a pretty good time though. It will probably be a while before I head back there again.

I think there is something going on with me. I don't know what it is or if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I find myself increasingly avoiding contact with people. It seems to be a struggle to interact with them. I find myself just wanting to be by myself and I don't know why. It's not like that all the time....but it's getting like that more and more. It worries me. I didn't used to be like that. Maybe it's hormones. I do believe I'm pre-menopausal. I've got to find a way to get out of this funk though.

Ok, enough about my personal problems. Today I'm going to get my ass in gear and do something around here if it kills me. My house is a PIT! I'll put my System of a Down compilation CD in the player and I'm sure it will motivate me to do something around here. Getting something accomplished always makes me feel better. I should probably jump in the shower first too. I didn't take a shower yesterday. I told you I was in a funk...LOL.

I don't want to go back to work. I know I have to....but why can't I find a wealthy man who's everything I ever dreamed of that will take care of me? I know...it's a fairytale...a myth. I really don't need a man to take care of me anyway. I miss the sex though. That's probably the one thing I miss the most. I love all that physical contact...all those bodily fluids going everywhere. Timothy and I had some good sex too...when we had it...LOL. There at the end it was pretty much non-existant. Ok, I'm all over the place here...LOL. I think it's time to stop this and go jump in the shower and get motivated. I'll let you know how it all works out today.

Ciao!

In a hurry

Good morning,

It's 5:51 by my computer clock, so I don't really have a lot of time to chat, but I thought I'd stop in and say hello.

I haven't written in a while and a lot of things have happened lately. Ok, not really a lot...but Saturday was pretty eventful...and BUSY! First I had the writers group meeting. That meant I had to get my ass out of bed at 3:30am. Yes, that's AM! It was worth it though. I think it was the best meeting ever. We had a lot of people and I, for one, learned a few things. I just hope I retain them...lol.

I have so much more interest in writing now than I did when I started this group. It's so inspiring. It makes me want to write all the time. I have several different things going at the moment. One is my novel, of course, and then I have the writing exersice that I have started and I am going to try my hand at writing a magazine article about my experiences at the casino where I saw the Chippendale's.

Oh yeah, I saw the Chippendale's Saturday evening. Let me tell you, it was awesome! I went with the girls. I wasn't going to go at first, due to the 500-some odd dollars I have had to spend lately on glasses and car repair, but Loretta came to my rescue and bought me a ticket. It was so nice of her. As crappy as it made me feel to have someone else buy my ticket, I'm glad she did. It was a blast. The music was awesome, their performances were even more awesome and getting to touch some rock hard, sweaty, mostly naked men was out of this world! I would do it again in a heart-beat.

It was really nice to get to spend time with the girls too. I always have a great time when we get together. We are all so different but it doesn't matter. I think it's good for me to socialize like that. I'm really pretty much a solitary person and sometimes I see me closing myself off from people when I'm not required to be around them, like at work. I don't like it, but sometimes it feels like such an effort for me to socialize. It seems so much more comfortable to keep to myself and live in my head. It makes me feel like I'm not exactly the best choice for a friend sometimes.

Ok, this wasn't exactly where I was wanting to go this morning. Must have been a detour somewhere. Look at the time! I guess I better post this and get my ass in the shower.

Kids come back today! I also find out if I get my week of vacation today too. Wish me luck. I need some time off.

Ciao!

5 Chapters

5 Chapters! I have 5 Chapters of my story written now! Ok, so it's only 26 pages. I'm still excited about it. I have so much more to go though. I have a whole notebook full of ideas that still need to be written. Sometimes I wonder if this book will end up being 500 pages...LOL. I'll give J.K. Rowling a run for her money...LOL. Hey, it could happen.

Jared is still at church camp but he comes home tomorrow. Joseph is spending the night at a friends. As much as I talk about liking my time alone when the kids are at their Daddy's, I do miss them sometimes. Tonight I wondered what it will be like when they are grown and they have their own lives and they don't "come back from their Daddy's" anymore. I miss them already. That is the way of things though. Change.

I will adapt and survive.

Who knows what the future will hold? It's full of so many possibilities. Will I spend the rest of my life single or will I find Mr. Right? Will I become a much publicized author, raking in royalties or will I give up on writing for some other interest? These and many more questions assail my thoughts from time to time. Who knows? Me, being an optimist, I like to ponder the happier possibilities of my future. What's the sense in pondering the bad possibilities? I have enough things to worry about without piling more on.

Well, I think I'm going to call it a night. I just wanted to shout to the world my joy in what I've accomplished so far on my story.

Ciao!

Blah

I'm not having a very productive day off. Feeling rather blah, actually. I wish I could get motivated to get off my ass and get something done.

But here I sit.

At least I don't feel so bad about sitting here now that I'm writing in my journal. Of course, I should be writing on my story. I should be doing quite a lot of other things as well. Maybe that's the problem, it's all too overwhelming for me. I realize that if I could get up and start doing something, that would give me some momentum to keep going. I really am going to have to get off here soon and give Mom a call and have her take me to the shop to pick up my car.

YES! My car is fixed. Unfortunately, it's going to cost $100 more than I thought it was. They found something else wrong with it when they had it up in the air. Tie rods? Something like that. I can't remember. They said they had to go ahead and fix it though or my wheel would have fallen off. Not good. I need those. I'm really, really going to be poor for the next month now.

I got my car fixed though! YEAH!!!! I love my car. Not as much as I love my bed, shhh don't tell, but I love it a LOT! It ranks a very close second.

Got Jared off to church camp this morning. Mom, after picking me up from dropping the car off in the shop, took us to get Jared and we all went to IHOP for breakfast. I have to agree with Jim Gaffigan, I didn't much feel like hopping afterwards...LOL. Jared sure did though. Couldn't get that boy to settle down. He's going to have a great time at Camp.

Well, I guess I better peel myself out of this chair and see about getting my car. I'm hoping that will motivate me to get something done around the house. I would be embarrassed to have company right now. Who am I fooling...it pretty much stays like that...LOL.

Maybe I'll surprise myself and get a lot of writing done this evening. One can dream.

Ciao!

Happy Independence Day!

Happy 4th! I hope you are having a great one. Mine has been ok so far. I had to work today. Yeah, that sucks, but it was probably the best Saturday I've had in a long time. It was an easy day. Of course that made it seem like it went on forever...LOL. I know, there is no pleasing me.

Christina and I had a pretty enjoyable day, all in all. We laughed and joked around a lot. She complained about how hot it was once, to which I replied, "I'm sorry, I thought I was standing far enough away"....LOL. We have a good time at work, when we're not stressing over orders.

The children went back to their Daddy's today. I have blessed peace and quiet this evening. I need it. Last night was not so tranquil. After having my beloved children for 4 days, I start to fray around the edges. I know, what would I do if I had them all the time?..LOL. For one thing, I wouldn't cater to their whims as much as I do now. It seems like we're always doing something or going somewhere when they're here. I try to make the time they are here enjoyable. It takes a lot out of me though. I need my peace and quiet time. I don't think Jared knows what that means...LOL.

Jared will be heading off to church camp on Monday. I'll be taking him to the church, but I won't get to see him this week. When he comes back it will be time for them to go back to their Daddy's again. He enjoys it though. There is no way I could tell him he couldn't go to church camp. It would break his little heart.

I guess I should stop here for a bit. I can smell the chicken cooking. I'm making chicken and noodles for dinner...yummm. I've already had my dessert.....ice cream...LOL. Well, I knew it would take a while for the chicken and noodles to get done. I couldn't wait.

Ciao for now

Day at the Beach

Well, I didn't get the chance to entertain you yesterday with stories about the day at the lake. I shall attempt to remedy that now. I can't promise you that it will be all that entertaining though.

We got a little later of a start than anticipated. It was cool though. We got our sandwiches made, the sodas in the cooler (no ice yet) and towels, blanket and sunscreen. We were out the door. We had to stop and get chips....then stop and get ice. We were on our way. The whole time I kept thinking how nice it was going to be out there. Surely it wouldn't be busy. It was Wednesday, and in the middle of the day.

I was wrong.

It was still cool though. All the other lake-goers provided entertainment of their own. There was the young guy and girl, beautiful specimens of nature, who couldn't seem to keep their hands off each other. Then there were several ladies, dotted here and there, who, I'm sorry to say, were not such beautiful specimens of nature and who had the audacity to display their less than bikini perfect bodies in none other than....bikinis. They must not own full length mirrors. That is the only explanation I can figure.

Yes, yes, I'm quite aware of the fact that I do not possess a bikini bod either. But then, you wouldn't catch me out there in one. I don't own a bathing suit of any sort. No, I do not swim naked...LOL. I would, if I were the only out there...I love being naked, but I don't think I could trust that to ever happen. It's a rather popular swimming beach.

Onward to one of the highlights of the day. I lost my glasses! Yes, I am aware that I should not have been wearing them in the water. Without them though, I cannot make out which two of the bobbing heads in the water belong to me. I took a gamble...I lost. I wasn't too awful upset about it though. I needed new glasses. No, I really couldn't afford the $240 that it cost me to replace them, but it's nice to have new glasses.

I'm stylin'.

Ok, so one of the pair I got is bifocals...not so stylish...but the other pair are single-vision and cool looking. I'll be wearing them most of the time.

What really hurts my pocketbook right now is that I need to get a bearing replaced on my car. That's going in the shop Monday and is going to cost me at least $230. OUCH! I'm going to be more broke than Humpty Dumpty for a while. It's a good thing I got 3 paychecks this month.

 Eh, things go wrong, things break, that's the way of life. I'm just thankful that it didn't happen until I did have the money to fix it all. Perspective....it's all in how you look at things. I can't complain. I seem to always manage to do what needs to be done.

Well, I think that pretty much does it for now. The children of the corn are waiting impatiently for me to take them to the YMCA this evening. Wow, that sounds like fun, doesn't it?

Did I veil the sarcasm enough or did it seep through? LOL

Smell ya later...

Ciao!

I'm beat. Sorry there will be no witty repartee this evening. Tomorrow should be better.

I am off tomorrow. I have the boys. I plan on taking them to the lake for swimming and a picnic. I shall try to clear a space on the hard drive of my brain to save any material that might make for good reading.

Ciao!

Long Day

Today has been a long day. Since it was a day off, I suppose that's a good thing. I seem to be feeling a little melancholy this evening though. I'm not sure why. Usually, I'm more than happy to spend time alone. I relish the idea of whole day spent enjoying the solitude of my own thoughts. For some reason though, this evening I am feeling somewhat lonely. This is an odd experience for me. I sit here and try to figure out why I'm feeling the way I feel and maybe what can be done to fix it. Nothing comes to mind. Thoughts of Timothy are flitting through my mind. I remember good times. This gets me nowhere. I feel better already...LOL.

So how was your day?

I spent mine doing a little here and there of the many things that need to be done, like a child picking at a plate full of unappealing food. Hey, at least I tried it...LOL. I did take the car to the shop to get it checked out and an estimate. $230 to replace a bearing. Sounds a little steep to me, but then I don't know how to change it, do I? I smile and say "Ok. When can you get it done?". I may as well be bending over and spreading my cheeks as I say it.

I do feel good about getting laundry done today. Not that it was some huge monumental task that takes hardwork and perserverance to complete. It was two loads...LOL. Hey, I feel good about getting it done. I did a few dishes as well. Very few...LOL. Ok, so it's not one of my most favorite things. I don't think Julie Andrews sang about it either...did she?

I wish I would have accomplished more today, but then I say that every day. You'd think I'd learn to set my goals a little less lofty, wouldn't you? But then, I'm sure my performance would dimish in relation to that. I paint a very poor picture of myself, don't I? Chalk it up to my melancholy mood.

I started writing about my obsession with Death. I need to look up some statistics though. I would love to include them in my piece. I would like to get a little more information on my chances concerning what sort of death I might experience. I know, sounds morbid, but I find it fascinating. I'm so excited at the prospect of writing about this. I may even submit it for publication in a magazine. Who knows?

I do believe I have written myself out of my melancholy mood. I would like to compliment you on being a very good listener. I feel back to my usual self again.

Who says women are moody?

It's back to work tomorrow. I have a funeral to go to during lunch. Tamara, one of the girls I work with, had a miscarriage. She was 5 months pregnant. They believe she lost the baby due to stress, but that's a whole other story. It's very sad.

The kids come back tomorrow. I just may take them to the lake. Sounds like a good idea right now. We'll see how good it sounds tomorrow. A picnic sounds good as well. With some ice cold soda. I'm not usually a big soda drinker, but I'm thirsty right now and it sounds good. I think I'll go make some tea.

I think your session is over for this evening. I hope you've enjoyed yourself. Please come again. Don't forget to pay on your way out.

Ciao!

Day 2

I wasn't sure I was going to have time to write in here today. I'm still not sure what's going to show up on this page. Who knows how much time I'll have before the "children of the corn" come to destroy my peace and quiet (I use that term figuratively since a version of a Wrestlemania wrestling game is playing rather loudly in the background).

I'm sitting here stewing in my own juices (and I do mean that literally). It's freaking hot! It seems like I spend most of my time hot and waiting for the weather to get cooler...or...cold and waiting for the weather to get warmer. It's not a characteristic I particularly like about myself. I'll be the first one to tell you not to wish your life away. I watched "click". It resonated. Still, I can't help but wish for more comfortable surroundings. I realize I'm very fortunate to live in this day and age where I have A/C (even though it struggles to just keep the temperature tolerable in here) and fans and refrigerators and cold running water. I've never had to do without these comforts, except when self-inflicted. I realize how lucky I am. Still, I am hot (and I'm not talking sexually...this time).

Took the kids to McD's this evening. I love how my children think McD's is an awesome eatery. Their faces light up and they get all excited. It's nice to know there are still some inexpensive things that satisfy them. The dollar menu excites me. I'm always looking for a cheaper dinner deal. Luckily everyone seems to have a dollar menu these days. Everyone is trying to compete. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that hooker's now have a dollar menu. "Excuse me honey, what can I get for a dollar?"

Have I mentioned that it's hot? Just checking.

Doesn't look like I'm going to get any writing done this evening (I know, what do I call this?). I am too tired and uncomfortable to even try. Ok, ok, I'm lazy too. I admit it. So, unless something miraculous happens to invigorate me and stimulate my brain, this is pretty much going to be it for me this evening. I do have something new I would like to start writing about though. No, I'm not going to ditch the kids' story. This is something entirely for me.

For those very few of you who really know me, you know of my obsession with death. I realize that someday I will die. I know this. We all know this. We tend not to think about it though. It's something that is going to happen to us eventually, when we get old and we will just drift off one night in our sleep. That's what most people think. It keeps them from dwelling on the unpleasantness of death. I have accepted that I will never know, for sure, what's going to happen to me after I die. I have theories, of course. Everyone does. That is not what concerns me of late though. It's the method of my demise that seems to be plaguing me. I plan on writing about it. Yeah, I know Sherlock, I just did, but I want to go further, delve into my fears, explore all the ways death might come for me, and share them. Misery loves company, right? Not that I'm miserable. Not that I'm unreasonably afraid of death. Pain, yes. But then, who does like pain (excluding the masochistic freaks out there, and I'm sure even they have their limits)?

Anyhow, I think I've given you enough of a teaser to that dark territory on the horizon. I'll let you know when it gets finished.

My time is up now. I must go. I'm still hot.

Ciao!

The Beginning

I'M BLOGGING!

I just created a blog. How's that for trying to catch up to everyone else in this digital society? I realize that for me this will probably be nothing more than just another journal of the happenings in my daily life, like I already keep privately on my computer, but a somewhat more edited version...sorry...LOL. You never know who might read this stuff though.

Yeah, I know, if one wants to be a writer, one should not inhibit their writing in such a way, but there are certain things that I just can't talk about in here.

Did I mention that I am an aspiring writer? Actually, I guess I am a writer, since I'm writing, but I have not been published or even finished my book...yet. I shall endeavor to keep you posted on my progress though.

I am currently reading "The Courage to Write" by Ralph Keyes. It was loaned to me by a fellow writing group member Travis. Thank you, Travis. I wasn't sure I had a problem with having the courage to write, but as you can see from what I mentioned earlier, I will not expose certain aspects of my life for public viewing...especially if there is any chance at all my family will read it. Call me chicken, I'll agree. There are some things I just feel more comfortable telling complete strangers than my family...LOL. It's definitely something I need to work on.

I guess since this is my first post, I really should introduce myself. You can call me Kloie. No, it's not my real name, but just a nickname that was given to me and serves my purpose here. I'm currently 42, a single mother of two boys (18 and 11) and a damn good cake decorator, if I do say so myself, and I do...LOL. Hey, I'm not the only one.

I'm sure you'll find out way more than you ever wanted to know about me and my life as this continues. Hopefully, I won't bore you to tears. I can make no promises though. I will do my best to keep you entertained but my best varies from day to day...LOL. After all, sometimes the events in my life are sadly lacking in entertainment value.

Today my children came back from their Dad's, so that raises the chances of entertaining commentary quite a bit. We'll see if they crack you up as much as they do me.

I'm afraid that I need to bring this to a close for now. Things to do, places to go, people to meet. I have a date with "the girls" this evening. "The girls" being Elyn, Elisabeth, Loretta and Andrea for future reference. These are ladies from my writing group "ink slingers". We seemed to have forged a friendship that has really enriched my life. I think it has done the same for them.

Ciao for now